A wish your heart makes

Remember that time I wanted to make Year 29 the "Year of Patience"?

L-O-freaking-L. You really did it this time, Yokley.

In every other avenue of my life, I have a worked on and developed a pretty solid level of patience. Slow-paced driver in front of me? No prob - take your time. Long, unnecessary conference call on a Friday afternoon? It's cool, man.

Single pink line on your First Response? WHAT THE *#^@($&^@*^!

To be honest, it's very difficult to balance patience, humility and hope when it feels like everywhere around you, there is a baby bump and another pregnancy announcement. Many of my friends are celebrating their new families, and as happy as I am for them, it stings like hell to get your hopes up in joining the parenthood tribe, only to see another "NOPE" on your pregnancy test.

To be clear, I'm not looking for sympathy - in fact, I've been trying to keep quiet about how annoying this process is because I personally know many couples who have been trying for years to start (or continue) their family. People have unloaded tens of thousands of dollars just for a better chance at children - not a guarantee. And it really sucks to watch anyone who desperately wants to be a parent suffer during the wait.

But I'm also not looking for people to tell me how good I have it now, and that I should be celebrating the freedom to "sleep in on Saturdays and spend my weekends however I want." I understand where they are coming from, and appreciate the push for perspective - but in my eyes, that's like telling someone who's single that they "should be happy" that they don't have to share the remote control with someone else. It's an insignificant perk, comparatively.

What I've been learning throughout this process is that I can't always be in control of a situation (I swear it always comes back to this.) Charlie Brown and I could be in perfect health, could be financially and emotionally stable, and God may still have another plan for us. The important thing to remember is to trust that He will make it happen when it's the right time, and it's up to us to keep loving each other no matter the outcome.

I'm also figuring out that there is a fine line between dedication and obsession - even if you think it's all in the name of positive change. In this case, I've been so zeroed in on hoping and planning and scheduling my life around a future baby that doesn't exist yet, that I've lost a little bit of myself along the way. I seem to take myself a little too seriously when it comes to things that are supposed to bring me joy (looking at you too, marathon training).

So, I've managed to get all of my angry tears out of the way, had a bit of a come-to-Jesus with Charlie Brown and realize that it's okay to feel the feels, but then you have to move along with it. It's okay to have big goals, but it's not okay to take the journey for granted. Isn't life supposed to be a winding road? That's what seems to keep it fun, after all. And let's be honest - babies seem to make their way into our lives when we least expect it.

#faith #selfreflection